The Daily Prophet, Wednesday April 2nd
by Fictionjunnkie
Summary: This isn't mine, it's my dad's. He wrote it for my birthday, and it is totally and utterly awesome. There are a few canon mistakes, but they're small. A very convincing front page of the Daily Prophet. Please Read& Review!


Wednesday April 2

Daily Prophet

**Hogwarts Historical Site?**

The Ministry has announced that Hogwarts may be placed on the list of designated historic magical places. Caudill Canebrake nominated the school at last week's meeting of the Historic Magic Department.

Though well received, Alisious T. Thornboggle remarked that since parts of the building were constantly disappearing and reappearing, the structure could not be counted on to keep its historical integrity over any length of time.

The stairwells were also sited as an area of concern as they were in constant motion and could not be relied upon to maintain their original historical context.

When asked, the stairwells refused to comment.

**Nature Notes**

Due to an early frost, the flobberworms have already begun their migration to their southern breeding grounds. The curious should be reminded that flobberworms can be dangerous in groups of several thousand.

When they reach their lush environs, their days will be happily spent finding a mate through song, usually a rumba beat with rhythmic jazz undertones.

Soon enough the worms will turn back to their gracious bungalows under the spaghetti trees to await another season.

**Diagon Alley Re-Zoning**

Local Alley Commissioner Bartholomew B. Buxtapose announced his intent on Wednesday of expanding Diagon Alley to include a new Waldemart.

The aggressive retailer is sure to anger many old time Alley denizens who staunchly opposed the market scheme bring backed by Commissioner Buxtapose. Buxtapose is reputed to be a major stockholder in Waldemart and sits on their Board of Directors. Several times they have tried to escape, but to no avail.

"If they had tried this in 1634, we would have handed him his head, Literally." stated an angry Madam Malkins.

Several others echoed the sentiment, the echoes lasting for several days. Many more called for 'more firewhisky'. The Ministry is promising further review by Thursday, next.

NOTICE!

All undergrads are reminded that dwarfs may not crushed. Pliers will not be supplied for the purpose.

**Hogwarts, Warts and All**

Due to Calesco Terra (or the muggle global warming), an unusually high number of horseflies were reported near the Quidditch field this summer. Houseflies, butterflies, pop flies, and infield flies were also reported. Gamekeeper Rubeus Hagrid responded quickly by shooing the horseflies into the house, while the houseflies flew away on a horse. Both needed shoeing.

The butterflies then were apprehended by a flock of hot toasts, which had recently gotten into a jam.

The pop flies and infield flies were then left to battle it out amongst themselves. At last sighting the score was 3 to 4.

ANOTHER NOTICE!

Underclassmen must be reminded to keep their sense of direction at all times, for how can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?

Similerly, upperclassmen should note that they cannot be in two times at once when they're no time at all, least of all at the present moment.

**Massive Leakage**

The First Department of Redundancy Departments and Deportments reported that a massive magic leak near the train station has inadvertently spilled over into the muggle world.

Though ignored by most muggle, a few reported to police that their cars appeared to be sleeping. The snoring was audible for half a mile. No other serious incidents were reported save a 73 Volkswagen who was having nightmares, cause his fuel tank to drip.

In other areas, some muggles reported the street drains had been clogged with rainbows, though most kept their mouths shut due to the presence of various pots of gold.

A cleanup squad was immediately dispatched from the Department of Accidental Magic and a containment field erected. Muggles on the scene were reminded to 'lay of the sauce'.

**!!!BUTTERBEER!!!**

Try Three Broomsticks butterbeer for fresh breath and a pure, clean complexion! Those goblins in the know drink nothing but fresh, pure butterbeer from the Three Broomsticks! Mmm, mmm, mmm, GOOD!

Also useful for stain removal

**BLOWOUT SALE**

Nothing held back! Everything must go! No reasonable offer refused! **Crazy Ol' Ollivander **is at it again! Come on down to Diagon Alley before they take me away! I'm crazy! Only the finest, all-wood wands **Now!**

**Grinkles Sizzle Fizzle, Galleons Sail On**

A heated international trading debate on trading the Galleon rose to new heights against the American Gold Grinkle last weekend.

The two currencies have long been the two standard bearers of modern trade, but lately buyers have lost confidence in the Grinkle since being undermined by inflationary fears. Though the Galleon has fallen several Knuts due to the unfortunate Salem affair, one Galleon is now worth three Grinkles and a silver Pazoozel in direct trade.

**Personals**

Female Slytherin seeks Eligible Toad.

Object: Matrimony

Enjoys muggle food, long walks on the beach, and chopped down, jacked up broomstick riding.

'982773

Ravenclaw Beauty seeks quality time with young goblin of means. Must like taubing, paw dipping, and music splashing. No pixies need apply.

'487620

Hufflepuffs rule man!!!

Ardent fan seeks tickets to Albus and the Dumbledores concert. Bring ladles to the Leaky Caldron, Thursday. Portkey needed.

Rock on Dude!

'10976

Good home desired for lightly used broom. Bristles need trimming, corkscrews to the right. Dustpan not included.

'878765

Single Hag with a broken bludger seeks clean, well mannered ogre. Care to take a Dare?

'289396

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A/N: This was written by a man who has only read The Philosopher's Stone, and didn't like it. In real life, he printed all this out on a big piece of newspaper-sized paper, on top of cardboard, with a hole in the middle with a mirror in it, with the caption "Have you see this wizard?" It was the best birthday present ever.

And that Albus and the Dumbledores, that isn't a reference to Harry and the Potters.


End file.
